Mais Qui Je Suis.../Apathy's Last Kiss

O stars, embers of emotion in an otherwise empty void...

Deleterious. Willful. Space.
The events of late have been uninspiring and admittedly discouraging.

I met you, and I was so happy. I thought you were the most gorgeous boy inside and out. Too bad the fact that you are merely a boy in mindset is a big reason why we never cemented anything. I also blame my low self-confidence. Now I have closed my heart yet again. I know you cherished me at one point. I don't know the full story of why your opinion of me descended so swiftly... but I am going to chase after you and show you that I am the girl for you. I am sorry. You left me in the dust, but I feel I may have done the same to you. All we have is now, and I love you. The actions are up to me. Just one thing... I dare you to let yourself win.

Continuing on this subject... intolerance. I am determined to stamp it out with love. I will continue to do so until I die. I will accept but never fully understand why anyone shuts people out. It breaks my heart. I still stand up for this today.

Love is a fickle thing. Marriage even more so. My parents. It aches in my heart that my mother no longer lives here. Things are getting better though, and there is action and communication between them. There is also space for me to grow, to mature from the little girl I still am. I often have regressed into childhood, as a defense mechanism... but now I know I have to be a child forever. It just has an entirely new meaning. It doesn't have to make sense to you, but it's a breakthrough for me. 

I know one thing. Life is a fucking battle, and I will continue to get up and dust myself off. Life manifests itself as I create it, and I accept responsibility for all the beauty and shit in my life. I send love out to the universe, to every being in it.

Yoga was beautiful tonight. Went to another realm. <3

Drip drip drop...
I've come to a sad place in my life. <3 But you know... I'll get out of here eventually. I no longer believe in the value of time, I can't wait... and well, when your heart's been broken, you don't want to live. My life has changed forever. I met you, and the stars gleamed. You removed yourself from my company, and I died. Too bad I have control over this, too... my friend. And I'm getting to the fucking bottom, no matter how deep I have to dive down. I've made a plan to tell you how I feel about this whole situation, and I've got my support from some of my friends so I can actually do it. I almost wish I could have never met you, in my favorite month of October. I get chills when I think about it still. I remember how I felt, and the words you said to me. I just can't deal with this being a sham, because I know you remember it, too. :(

You really lose yourself when you stop sharing. I could cry. I could just let my feelings be, and not stop them. 

My parents are done. My mother is going through some type of psychosis, it seems. She still won't tell me why she left. :( And then her friend screamed at me saying I was a terrible, disgusting human being. Really? Well, even if I am... how could you have said that to someone? Doesn't your heart want to explode after saying that to me? I would be vomiting up blood if I ever made anyone else feel that terrible. I almost feel bad that it makes me feel good that my father said to my mother: "I don't care. No one talks to my children that way."

I've been destroying myself. My body is just a vessel. I can barely walk with my shin splints. I will never complain about sprained ankles ever again, for this is far worse. I feel like I should have a wheelchair. I have been exercising, but I keep bracing myself from falling in the snow... and keep hurting myself more. I strongly dislike this snow, and sense this weather is not a good omen.

I am reaching across the waves for someone, anyone. I need to live, I can't be fucking stuck in survival mode.

There are some positive things in this sea of negativity. I have been feeling very motivated and almost happy. Even though my life is a goddamn hell right now, I can do it. I have opened myself up to new people. I've been real. I've reconnected with some people I just couldn't get there with in the past. I've made plans for the future. I always know it's going to be okay, but I don't think that's enough. I just choose to take action now instead of solely worrying about it.

And to all my friends, I'll never give up on any of you. I care about your well-being and that's all I can ever ask of you... to take care of yourselves. Don't worry about me, I can also take care of myself. I am here to enjoy my life, and I'll always be here for you when you need me.

Icin' the wounds, baby. Getting off my ass. Declaring.
So... I have realized a few things. I indeed love this guy. I was infatuated... that feeling passed and I was shattered. And I thought I no longer cared about him. Then I came upon this... I only care about his happiness. I smile so wide when I see him, and I see that he is happy now. It radiates from inside him. It elates me, lifts my spirits. I am not jealous of his girlfriend. If he does not want to be with me right now, it does not matter. All I know is that he cares about me. He touches my hand, and says he's happy to see me. And it's enough. I shouldn't act so enlightened though. I have feelings and needs, too. I need to be touched. I need to be loved. I'd love to be admired. It really takes something inside me to get to this place though, and the destination is closer than it was before. When I'm ready, he could be as well. It is truly glorious, that we can help each other get to this beautiful place. I really do believe I helped him get there. And he got me where I am now. The journey is not over for either of us. There's so much growth left. It's infinite.

Escapism is a topic we discussed in depth. He is beautiful. He makes me want to be here now, in the moment. Imagine that... me in the world. I wake up every day now and I see at least one gorgeous aspect about life. Sometimes I look up at the sky, and just want to fly into it. The past doesn't make me cry, the future doesn't make me cringe. I am just simply here. I still cry, but only because I let myself feel. I let my feelings be there, I don't try to extinguish them.

My friend wrote me a beautiful Christmas card... and I can't wait to thank her... "Liz, I see so much growth in you this past year, and it's absolutely amazing. Just when I think our good times filled with laughter and pondering have reached their potential, it only gets better each time. I'm blessed to have a friend like you!" I loved it, I almost cried. It makes more real my transformation, the fact that someone else has seen it. I truly appreciate everyone who has been my friend. I see every beautiful part of you all. I don't care about flaws... but I do admit I am very much about living. The slow death of the soul just gives me pangs. We all just need to be loved... and I want to be a part of that. I don't like to see my friends and family kill themselves right in front of my eyes. I let myself do it for many years, and now I'm watching it from a different perspective. Empathy can be bitch-tastic. Oooooo... is that how I really made you all feel? I am so sorry. It cuts deep. I want to close my eyes and ignore it, but I know I cannot do that anymore. I am reaching out to my father, and to any of my friends that need me. I love you.

I am not going to be completely happy ever though. You know that. I miss my friends. I crave connection like chocolate... and need it like water, like air. I feel like an alien half the time. I put myself out there, even when I want to hide under rocks. That's the biggest step I've ever taken. And it's a struggle almost every day. I still do it. I force myself. I know I have to do these things... because of this one reason: I am terrified, shaking even. I ignore the voice that says I suck. None of those stories are true. Going outside of my comfort zone has brought me the best gifts of my life, and none of them can be purchased.

That's why I wanted "nothing" for Christmas.

(no subject)
Fuck mediocre bullshit, I'm at stellar status. I will never settle for this. I have a plan, I will win. <3 I am beautiful, I have a soul... and I know what I need to do.

I have assumptions, foolish as usual. This time I have evidence though. Someday this will happen, and I will make it. I just know it's real, and I refuse to give it up. I have been sending messages like crazy. I know some have reached the destination. I can feel it, and if one thing about me is powerful... it is my fucking empathy/intuition... I experience vibrations on that wavelength very well, so well that it terrifies me at times. I'm not into destruction though. If this is meant to happen, it will happen naturally. I am not fucking up anyone's life. I will not rip my own heart out though. I'll save myself before that happens.

I'm locked.
I'm ascending. I'm done with this.

I fucking felt that. I'm not a fool. It was a big damn shock, and it put me through hoops.

For now, I'm throwing out assumptions and interpretations. And love will be grand. If I ever get it.

I'm fucking meditating. I just need to listen and relax, and all I hear is noise noise noise. I've been declaring things. Saying them out loud. Will it get me what I want? Verbalizing is better than internalizing.

Never say never. "Fall down seven times, stand up eight." 


I've descended in status, and lost my killer facade.
I'm unsure as to a few things. Vibes of a benevolent variety have been sent by me, with fucking great intentions. We'll see if this shit transfers. I'm positive, kid... so to hell if this doesn't work.

I have plans, machinations of my damn foolish mind... and borderline manipulation... I'm not stooping to full-blown... just yet. Or not at all. We'll see how secure I feel in the future. I always need a buffer to assist me. I am terrified of the initial approach(es). I just need this. It happened because I created it... and I'm keeping it going. I will fight to the death for it. Repetition. I will fight until I am done-zo... and well, someone else can take my place if this happens.

Cryptic, bitchface. I hate it, I love it... I am falling into holes. Too bad I dust myself off now, and get back up.

I just know I am sharpened, I am fierce, I am alive. I hated being alive until this year... now it burns, and I love it. I no longer feel the dull, numbing pain that I just perpetuated. Don't give me medication, I just want to feel. I no longer want to be in a cloud of obscurity, yet crying for attention. I never fully got the picture until recently. It makes little sense to hide and try(!!!!!) to shine at the same time. I'm here, whether I like it or not... and I am a part of this. I love me, and well... I love y'all, too. And well, I love you, too. <3 Only because I know. I have that gift.

Elitism is no longer my cloak.

I await sequels just as much as the next guy.
I'm at a loss for words (quite literally) these past couple of years. The fluidity that my speech had reached previously is now gone. I would like to rectify it. I spoke with a few friends about it over the past four or five months. My intentions are to find what's hidden, and make it new. I know I am not expressing myself properly... and this is why I have such a block. But what should I do to express myself? Why do I always need a fucking manual to proceed?... (that I never read. It's a security thing surely.) I just need to quit this. Over-thinking will never be action, Liz. Not everything has to be planned, or thought of being planned with no follow-through. Learning experiences. Meh. I'm still bittersweet.

He is soooo super fly. <3 And he has a gorgeous soul to boot. I can see the fetal position from here. This is some real shit. Oh, what am I getting myself into? I've never felt this way about anyone. Surprisingly not gross! Just natural and real and electrifying and deep. And it's fucking mutual. Friends first, obviously. I'm not worried about the rest. It will turn out whatever way it does. I'm all in.

Indelible ink upon my soul.
I seriously cannot believe this has happened to me. At the risk of sounding completely banana-boatzzz and jumping the fucking gun, I have made the deepest connection of my life. I have never felt like this, never! It's just feeling, there is no meaning. It's like electricity, adrenaline, I'm on fucking fire. I'm buzzing. It's not even attraction. It's fuel.

I cannot believe it, am I dreaming?

I don't know what to do, I am spinning with terror, excitement, and over the top exuberance. Has anyone felt like this about another person? I hope it's fucking mutual, or I'm going to jump off a building. (It seems mutual. There is definite reciprocation, and he admitted he felt a connection. The first time I met him, he was upset... and he automatically put his hand out on the table and I took it. Then we had a rapid-fire lightning conversation for about 10 minutes.) And I feel so strongly, I will probably do something that drastic. The parallels are intense. It's like tracing my own soul. I am enamoured, and fucking elevated but so done. He is me. And I kind of hate (love) it. But I am so excited it's taken over my entire body.

And I won't see him for three weeks.

I'm really sorry if this is terrifying, you have no idea how scared/elated I am right now. :/

Throwin' 'em back like shots of Jack... unfortunately.
I've never felt so helpless when it comes to friendships and relationships. Yeah, if I'm in fucking charge, why do I have no control whatsoever? Being sick is clouding my head in a major way. I feel like a jerkface these days. I would love to freely talk to anyone. I want to start fucking fresh with a new person. I am a liar and a fraud and it's all my fault. I'm taking responsibility... it's breaking me down. I haven't even confided in anyone in weeks. I can't control people, and I don't want to. I do want to live in peace, and that's up to me. Hell yes.

I can't wait for Ireland. Approach with haste! Please. I do admit I want to escape this world of mine!... not forever.

Someone said I was such a sweet girl today, and she didn't want to expose me to bad things (oh wait, I've heard that before...). Why the hell does everyone believe everything I portray myself as? Oh... wait a minute! This is what I love, I get it now. I am who I want to be to others. Unfamiliar, sweet, innocent (hahaha... hilarious)... but unattainable, unapproachable. Unfriend-able.

I'm a catch, trust me. I fucking know it. I just can't do it.

I'll get it. I just have to do it. Letting go flusters me.


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